TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let's have another place wherever American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General Trump Tower Damascus public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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